A wee bit of a rant coming up I suppose.

Having boarded quite a few flights, it cracks me up and boils my piss at the same time…

  1. Why do people queue before the the plane has even arrived at the airport?
  2. What do they think will happen to there already allocated seat?
  3. Is it likely the plane will leave on time?
  4. Could they spend their time more productively?
  5. Why do they never look happy?
  6. Is it possible they are robots?
  7. How can you help these poor drones?

So I will try answer these questions and give some easy to follow advice on how to relax and enjoy your journey.

1. Like lots of people you just want to be first, it’s human nature, unfortunately this gene you are currently using is in fact a not fulfilling its potential. It’s turned you into a zombie.

Action to take for your own sanity
Sit down relax, listen to music or just watch the guy across from you writing a blog about this madness. Your time will come when the queue has about 2-3 people, this is your que to stand, calmly walk to the gate and present your boarding card. Easy huh??

2. That’s right you’ve an allocated seat so absolutely no need to get excited about losing that precious seat.

Action
Stay calm at all times, all work out, trust me.

3. I don’t think I’ve ever been on a plane that has left early, let’s face it you sit for how long on the plane before it takes off.

Action
Stay calm, the plane is going nowhere fast, at least on the ground anyway.

4. So you have arrived your suggested 2 hours before your flight or maybe 4 hours if you are proper keen. Why not do something with that valuable time.

Action
Read a book, write a book, write a blog, phone a friend, listen to music, just relax and stare at people (happens to me a lot, either because of my birthmark or fact I’m the only white man around) or you can spend your remaining currency in the hyper inflated shops, great way to empty your wallet. My choice is coffee, music and my iPad for writing.

5. It’s true do you ever see anyone smile in a queue? I tried counting them once, true story… How many? Zero, not a single one. Let’s face it it’s not fun standing around waiting so it’s really unlikely to see isn’t it?

Action
Stay calm, sit down, behave yourself and put a smile on your face knowing you are not a drone.

6. I think queuing is a little robot/zombie like. Are you a robot? Probably not or you’d have likely been stopped at the metal detector, unless you are in Vietnam then the buzz doesn’t seem to matter or the kg of c4… Joke joke don’t arrest me FBI.

Action
Remain calm at all times, be a rebel, when they call for you, just sit let the drones do as they’re told then calmly strut up with the biggest smile knowing you did not conform to the control of the airline.

7. Helping others is the best thing you can do, and these zombies are not immune to your help. The reality is they are simply conforming to what they think is the norm, it will not be long before they see you all relaxed and want some of that action.

Action
You can point them in the direction of this blog for a kick off, remember calmly approach a zombie, be careful as not to startle them, you may get tazered… Then you can now start a conversation. Get them all happy and smiling then tell them to rebel against the imperial airport masters. Sit with them and show them what they are failing to see.

What can you take away from this?
You can now chill knowing you have mastered the art of not conforming and are protected from the impending zombie apocalypse. Meanwhile I’ve just missed my flight writing this blog, not really I simply and calmly picked up my bag with a smile on my face and strolled onto the plane, even helping an older lady with her bags in the process.

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